Today, I won’t post a recipe, at least not an edible one. I would like to write about another kind of food, the one everyone out there calls “food for the soul” ( and why not, it’s a great metaphor!)
A few days ago, I noticed I had trouble breathing. Literally. I could breathe of course, but I couldn’t inhale deep enough, as if something was pressing on my chest. I though, it was the bra that was too tight, but taking it off didn’t really help. I though it was the smoking, but the fear or this though made me light up immediately. Then I felt like I was too heavy (which, objectively, I’m not), and decided to change my eating habits. Hence the blog. I have this difficulty to breathe sometimes at the gym, when I frequently feel the need to yawn to let more air into my body. Even when I stop smoking, I still feel the urge to grasp for air.
Yesterday, on my first day of Induction, the need was gone. I was breathing perfectly and feeling free. So I thought, it really was the extra food. But today I woke up feeling tense and almost unable to inhale deeply again. So I thought, maybe it actually is an anxiety problem, before being an eating one.
I believe our bodies send is signals of things we ought to change in order to function at our full potential. I believe that while a breathing problem can come from an allergy or lack of exercise and extra weight, in most cases, it can be explained metaphorically. You experience trouble breathing normally when you feel scared, or angry, or trapped. And if you certainly can feel trapped if you find yourself in an elevator that wouldn’t move, you can also feel trapped in a relationship. And if you usually feel angry in a certain situation, like when there is someone to be angry at, you can also experience an underlying, almost subconscious, feeling of anger: against the world, against yourself, against the person who wronged you in your childhood and you didn’t get over. The same works with fear.
Especially when starting a new chapter in life, like a new exercise program, a new diet, a new job, we fear we won’t live up to certain expectations. They say you have to be patient, but patience is maybe the hardest thing to attain, especially in a world where everything changes so fast, from cookies recipes to role models. I do not pretend to be patient, or to be able to give tips on how to become a zen person. For everyone, it’s a different journey. Some choose yoga and meditation to calm their minds down, some have actual happy places they go to when they are feeling overwhelmed. It’s an everyday challenge, even if I don’t like the world. We are all supposed to challenge ourselves to achieve great success, but if you are constantly challenging yourself, you won’t have time to live a little enjoying the benefits of your efforts.
For me, I found that the only thing that works is letting it out. Whether it be in writing or in punching something at the gym, it has to be an activity that makes you feel in the present, gorge yourself on the present and leave you feeling completely empty, ready to breathe the world in again.
It’s not an original thought. Live in the present, carpe the f&@** diem, enjoy it (without Coca-Cola), let go, etc. But there are times when the most simple thoughts have to be repeated, and times when you have to succumb to your urges. A few years ago I felt desperate because, as much as I wanted to become a writer, I realized I could only write when I literally touched the bottom. And, even worse, pouring it out on paper didn’t make me feel like a Phoenix. I finally got that writing wasn’t ment to make you rise from the ashes, it just makes it easier to shuffle through and find a few carbonized pieces that you may or may not want to glue together again.
Sometimes, you only have to let yourself feel, like nobody’s watching you.