I’ve decided to make some changes in my blog that’s been a little rusty the last few months. The same as I’ve decided to make some changes in my life. Nothing big, though. I’ve long learned that making huge changes on an impulse and going cold turkey about it doesn’t amount to anything good. Very soon after I’ve made some drastic decision, I’m back on the couch eating potato chips and binge watching tv-shows. It works sometimes, because, well, sometimes things are a matter of willpower. But then again, some outside event (good or bad) can be overwhelming and make me return to my old ways of dealing with important stuff. That is burying my head in the sand.
Perfection is an illusion. I’ve learned that. Nothing you do or achieve is ever permanent. Not the important stuff anyway: the relationships you built over time with yourself and others, the way you behave on a day to day basis, the size of your waistline, the good mood you’re in after a sweaty workout. You always have to move forward, because things don’t stop changing. One workout doesn’t make you happy for the rest of your life. You have to exercise regularly to yield all the benefits. One day (or even month) of a diet doesn’t make you slim forever. You have to make smart healthy choices every damn day. When you say “I love you” to someone three months into a relationship, it doesn’t mean you have to stop showing affection for the next ten years. You have to be affectionate every day to make the person you love feel it. If you have a project to finish (a big one, like a dissertation), one day of hard work isn’t enough for the whole thing to be over.
In other words, you have to put in the work. Every day. And when one project is over (some of them are, take the dissertation for example), the next one is just waiting around the corner. A “project” is not always something you choose to work on. It is often something you have to do. It might be work, or getting a degree in college. Your job is to do it, either by tricking yourself into doing it because you want to, or accomplishing it because you are used to follow outside orders. Either way, not doing anything isn’t an option.
This blog is here to help me be accountable. To reach a level of discipline that I hope someday will come from within rather than from the outside world. In other words, I need to grow up, and I’m going to try my hardest to do so. To me, growing up is about facing my fears and confronting my problems instead of avoiding them. In the last months, I’ve achieved harmony. But then it all fell apart. Outside events made me realize my willpower wasn’t enough to make me behave on my own the way I behave when people I care about are around me. That means I can be accountable to other people but not to myself. That I am not enough.
I want to try and work on this. I want to be enough. I want not having to show off a “good” and productive behavior. I want to be the person that knows being productive is the way to make me happy, not to make other people happy.
I would really appreciate the support and insights, as I will be sharing, hopefully everyday, my progress in this never-ending journey.
I also hope my experience will be a source of inspiration and motivation.
Today is another day.
Nota bene: I’ve recently decided to dedicate myself only to one blog, so if you were following moleskine, I’ll be happy if you decide to follow me here.
As I am currently struggling to finish my PhD dissertation, this topic will be the one I’ll discuss the most, along with broader considerations about inspiration, writing and reading.